


I Should Hate You

by artificialbramble



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, trixya - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-03
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-12-23 07:30:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11985117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artificialbramble/pseuds/artificialbramble
Summary: "I Should hate you, but I can't"Katya should be mad at Trixie for disappearing on her but she can't.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi to me @unhhhhjustsometrash on tumblr! :)

It is scary how much a person remembers about a heartbreak. Down to the very last detail like the gold star stuck onto the crooked name tag of the waiter. That’s what Trixie hated about her mind - she remembered everything about that night. The look of no remorse on her boyfriend’s – well ex-boyfriend’s - face as he smashed her heart into millions of pieces. He was wearing his usual combination of a flannel over a band shirt, that night it was Green Day’s turn, and black skinny jeans. He had ordered a steak whilst she settled for a salad - he had called her a rabbit for choosing it. She had been a lot healthier back then.

He had been quiet, unusually quiet. It had been like this for the past week or so - the quiet game - but that night was pure silence. Nothing, not even a cough. Trixie had tried to start a conversation with the stupid idiotic questions you ask when trying to hopelessly start a conversation.

_How was work?_

_Was the traffic bad?_

_Is your day good?_

And all she got in response was a plain, “Brian, I don’t want this anymore.”

Since that night she has rethought her actions and still determines that what she obliviously did was perfectly acceptable for her to have thought. She had thought he was talking about his steak that he had left slightly untouched. Trixie saw the opportunity to gain some brownie points and stabbed some lettuce onto her fork and held it out for him.

“Well you can have this”

He looked at the lettuce on the fork and sighed. They were never the couple to feed each other and perhaps that was their downfall in the end. Maybe all those couples feeding each other are the ones doing it right. Perhaps Trixie should have noted the use of her boy name making the conversation seriously, but in that moment of blind innocence, she didn’t.

“No Brian, not  _this_ ,” he said. “This. I don’t want  _this_  anymore.”

That’s when the familiar tune of happy birthday blared out and the entire wait staff came out dancing and clapping with balloons and a cake. It was his birthday and Trixie had wanted to celebrate it right. By the time the wait staff had made its way over to the table the pair's eyes hadn’t left each other’s. That’s when he shot her the look - he wasn’t sorry - it wasn’t a joke.

“Can I help you folks with anything?”

It was their waiter. He was smiling as the whole wait staff looked on eagerly. The thought about asking for the bill, or asking why this has happened came to Trixie’s mind but instead, she answered simply and told the biggest lie she had ever told.

“No,” she said. “We’re fine.”

* * *

 

The streets of Hollywood is something the queen still hadn’t gotten used to. The busy hustle and bustle is something she won’t get used to. The other day she almost stepped out in front of a swarm of cyclists yelling at her in the process. Despite having lived there for a few months now the Wisconsin Barbie was still not accustomed to the crowds of people all at once.

She was crossing the road when a phone began to obnoxiously ring. And of course not thinking much of it Trixie brushed it off until a stout, rather angry looking man mentioned it probably being hers. How could she forget Katya changing her ringtone to ‘Barbie Girl’ by Aqua. A smile spread across the queen’s face at the thought of her good friend as she glanced down at her phone screen. She let out a low ‘shit’ - it was, in fact, Katya calling – the two hadn’t spoken in a while and Trixie had effectively rubbered the older queen every chance she got. She didn’t mean to isolate herself for so long but it had just happened. She was rather proud she hadn’t succumbed to habit and gone crawling to the queen just yet. But now, crossing the street, she couldn’t put it off. After all, the older queen only ever called late at night when she couldn’t sleep, if it was urgent, or if Trixie had fallen off the face of the earth – and that was pretty much what had happened.

“I should hate you, but I can’t and you better know that…”


	2. Chapter One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi to me at unhhhhjustsometrash on tumblr! :)

“I should hate you but I can’t and you should know that…”

Trixie instantly calmed down as she heard Katya’s chuckle. “Where’s your head at Tracy?”

Nerves were there. They never really went away but facing actually talking about everything that has happened scared Trixie more than anything.

“What do you mean?” Trixie knew what Katya was asking about. She had been absent for a few weeks - her mind was all over the place, she was barely on social media, and had been ignoring all Katya’s attempts at conversations.

“C'mon Tracy. Where are you at?”

The truth was even Trixie didn’t entirely know for herself. So Trixie did her best at explaining. Words were never her strongest suit. Making people laugh was what she was best at. Nonetheless, Katya listened. She sat patiently at the other end of the phone. She didn’t interrupt, she kept her thoughts to herself until Trixie was done. With one last breath, Trixie paused, the silence on the other end only just becoming aware of her. Just as she was about to hang up, Katya replied.

“Where are you, Brian?”

There it was. The last straw pulled. It was as if Trixie were a game of kerplunk and the straw holding all her marbles in place had been pulled. All at once any tears she was fighting back started to roll down her cheeks in a constant stream. All because of this use of her name. Concern was laced in Katya’s voice as she desperately looked for an answer to her question. This was the first time Katya had ever heard Trixie sound so miserable.

Katya’s voice becomes almost impossible to hear as Trixie drops her phone. That doesn’t stop Katya from being able to hear Trixie’s sobs. Tears swell in her eyes just listening to her best friend breakdown and guilt built up as she knew she couldn’t do anything about it if Trixie didn’t tell her where she was.

“Baby I’m going to need you to breathe for me. Ok deep breath in and out.”

The muffled sound of her best friend trying to sooth her made its way to Trixie’s ears. Slowly she slowed her breathing back to normal rates rated as tears still slipped from her eyes. With shaking hands, she hesitantly picked up her phone back to her ear.

“I need to know where you are, baby.”

Trixie didn’t trust her words at t moment so tearing the phone away from her ear she opened up her texts from Katya and sent her address. The ding from Katya’s phone could be heard through the phone. On the other side of the conversation, Katya looked at the message and sighed relief as she realised how close she actually was.

“LA huh? Who would’ve thought the woman who openly hated the place would move here.”

Trixie let out a small giggle that was music to Katya’s ears. Finally an emotion other than sadness. “Listen, I’m coming over in around half an hour. Unlock the door for me, Tracy.”

The older queen left Trixie with a small smile and a glimmer of hope. Also, thirty minutes to clean up the mess the apartment was in.

* * *

 

Thirty minutes later, two stops, and one elevator ride later and Katya was at Trixie’s door armed with steaming hot takeaway food and the film Contact in the hopes of cheering her friend up.

“Honey I’m home.”

Looking around Katya scanned the place for any signs of life. A few seconds later a loud thud echoes from down hallway suggesting that was where Trixie was. Waiting a few moments after placing down the bag of Chinese takeaway on the counter nearest to her Katya watched Trixie stumble down the hallway.

“Sorry I was tidying.”

“You know you never have to tidy for me.”

Katya smiled at the younger queen before walking over and engulfing her into a tight embrace. Trixie responded by pulling Karta as close as possible before melting into the hold. Acting on instinct the older queen rubbed gentle circles on the youngers back as no words were shared. They like that for minutes soaking in the closeness of the other, feeding off of their body heat. Trixie, thankful to have her best friend in that moment. Katya, relishing in contact long list between the two.

“C'mon the foods getting cold and I didn’t go to two separate takeaways to get your soy sauce for nothing. I brought Contact.”

Trixie let out her famous laugh even letting her head lol backwards slightly before placing her hands on her hips. “I will not Jodie Foster this behaviour.”


	3. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi to me at unhhhhjustsometrash on Tumblr! :)

Hollywood was illuminated by a low light. By now it was late at night and Trixie was fast asleep. The younger queen had finally calmed down, enjoyed the Chinese food and begrudgingly sat through Contact. Katya, however, couldn’t shake the memory of how broken Trixie sounded on the phone and how deflated she seemed. She should be mad, the other queen had ignored her for several months. But she couldn’t, Trixie would forever be her soft spot. And that was obvious to everyone except Trixie.

Taking another long drag of her cigarette Katya stared out over the city from the windowsill. The older queen remembered how happy Trixie seemed to be when she first started dating and how that hurt her because she knew she wasn’t the only reason Trixie smiled anymore. How much her heart felt like it had been stabbed when she heard Trixie laugh, her genuine laugh that was only ever reserved for Katya. He made her happy up until a few months ago. Katya swore if she ever saw him she would knock some sense into him. He had the only thing Katya wanted and he let it go. He broke Trixie.

No matter how much Katya told herself to get over Trixie. Let her live her life. She couldn’t. Katya had picked her poison and it was Trixie. The faint ringing of her phone brought her out of her train of thought and had her scrambling to pick it up so she didn’t wake Trixie.

“Hello?”

_“Katya thank God you answered. You know I wouldn’t call if it was urgent.”_

“What do you need, Adore?”

_“Do you know where Trixie is?”_

“I’m looking at her, yes.”

Katya could practically here Adore’s silent judgement. She and a few others knew of Katya’s infatuation and how destructive it could be.

_“You’re with her?”_

“Yes, and I know what you’re thinking. No, I’m not alright.”

Katya had always been open with the young queen so she didn't see much point in lying now. Adore had become close with the blonde through Bianca. Ever since then they had shared a few deep and meaningful conversation.

_“We’ll get to that later granddad. Right now I need you to tell Trixie to stop ignoring Michelle.”_

The fact Trixie wasn’t just ignoring her made Katya smile. It wasn’t just her. It was everyone.

“I’ll tell her when she wakes up. Anything else Adore?”

 _“Yes granddad, tell me what’s up_.”

Katya sighed as she began to explain where her head was at. Everything from Trixie being heartbroken to how she still wasn’t over the Wisconsin Barbie.

_“You need to tell her then granddad.”_

“I don’t want to lose her.”

“Lose who?”

Katya froze at the sound of Trixie’s tired voice.  _God damn that voice_. “Nobody Tracy, go back to sleep.” Katya waited for Trixie to go back to a state that resembled sleep before continuing the phone call.

_“You won’t lose her Katya. She loves you, she just doesn’t entirely see it yet.”_

“She deserves someone better than me. Someone who isn’t terrified of commitment.”

_“You haven’t been with anyone in any sense of the phrase since last year. That’s plenty of commitment.”_

Katya thought to herself for a minute as she let Adore’s words sink in. Maybe she had been more committed than she let herself believe. Was she really in that deep?

“She can’t know. Not until she’s had time for herself.”

_“Ok granddad, get some sleep and tend to your princess”_

“Shut up Adore. I’ll see you soon.”

Hanging up the phone Katya out her cigarette on the windowsill before laying down on the floor was a blanket. She couldn’t trust herself to sleep in the same bed as Trixie after so long. Especially when she was up in her feels. However, Trixie was laying in the bed waiting for Katya to join her. She had spent so long away from Katya she craved the attention Katya used to give her. She had heard one side of the phone conversation and was unable to let it go. She wanted to know who they were talking about. She couldn’t deny the little pang of jealousy in her chest hearing it.


	4. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter!
> 
> Come say hi to me at unhhhhjustsometrash on Tumblr! :)

Katya quickly stifled a laugh as she turned on the video recording feature on her phone and approached the bathroom of Trixie’s apartment.

“So,” She said to the camera, “@trixiesthighs asked on twitter if Trixie sings in the shower?’ Well, behold,” She added with a chuckle as she carefully opened the door the bathroom.

“Tracy?” She asked.

Trixie, it seemed, hadn’t heard her over the music that was playing around her and she continued to sing along.

“Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova, but your dad just calls me Katya. I’m the bright red scare with the long blonde hair, always keep ‘em coming back for more…”

“Tracy!” Katya called again trying to hold back her smile.

“You’re a basic ass hoe and it's your time to go, so bitch let me show you the door.” She continued, again having not heard Katya.

“Cause it’s me whose getting laid and I’m always getting paid; the only high-class Russian whore. I’m a scorching hot mess in a skin tight dress…”

“Tracy!” Katya said, even louder this time. Trixie promptly stopped singing and poked her head from out behind the shower curtain. When Katya saw she hadn’t forgotten all modesty and whipped the shower curtain back to reveal herself in all her glory, she quickly turned the camera down the ground and tried to ignore the blush which would for sure of reached her cheeks.

“Katya,” she replied, “What are you doing?”

“A fan on twitter asked if you sing in the shower.”

“Oh… So you’re posting this?” She asked, face neutral. Trixie finally pulled back the curtain so that only his head was poking out. Katya returned the camera to him.

“Yup.” Katya replied, with a slight nod. She chuckled, “So what do you have to say to that?”

Trixie looked thoughtful for a second before staring directly into the camera and replying, “That’s a rash not a herpes sore.”

It was clear that he was dancing behind the curtain as she pulled her head back into the shower and continued to sing.

Turning the camera back to herself, Katya laughed and left the bathroom. “Who can resist such a man?” She asked the would-be audience.

“So, as you can see, the answer to your question is yes, Trixie does sing in the shower. I hope you and everyone else have enjoyed this video. I know I have.”

With one last chuckled Katya exited out of the recording feature and went immediately to her twitter app. She retweeted the fan’s question, linking in the video and replying adding, ‘Look mother, I found a gay man singing again @trixiemattel’

She correctly predicted that the fans would respond with positively, as they often did. She liked some fans replies saying it was good to see Trixie happy again, and how he was singing Katya’s verse. She even liked a tweet stating how Katya was blushing by the end of the video.

* * *

 

When Trixie got out the shower it was safe to say she was a little bit more chipper. Seeing how happy Katya seemed smiling and chuckling whilst she sung in the shower really picked her mood up. She noticed that recently, whilst spending all her time with Katya, that she had almost completely forgotten about her ex.  _Almost_.

That’s when it hit her, he still existed. She had managed to live in a bubble filled with Katya. Sinking down to sit on the lid of the toilet, a towel wrapped around her waist, she stared at the floor just ahead of her. Perhaps she had been deluded and allowed herself to buy into the lie that if she paid him no mind then he wouldn’t bother her. Of course, that was optimistic, and soon enough she was thinking about him again.

Sighing Trixie shook her head to bring her out of her thoughts when Trixie heard Katya softly knock on the door.

“The shower has been switched off for ten minutes now and I need to piss, you almost done in there?”

Trixie collected her pile of clothes thrown on the floor and opened the door to be greeted by Katya who didn’t seem to pay too much attention as she pushed passed into the bathroom. Moping to herself wasn’t going to get her anywhere so Trixie lifted her head.

Slipping into some comfy clothes Trixie chucked her worn on her increasingly large, overflowing laundry hamper.

Grabbing her phone from the side table Trixie plopped down into her bed and unlocked her phone. She’d been gone from the face of the earth long enough. Opening twitter she was bombarded with countless mentions. Many trying to guess the reason for her sudden departure. Lots assumed it was All Stars, actually most assumed it was All Stars.

Although amongst those asking where she was, were those saying how cute her and Katya were together. It was no secret that a good portion of the fan base shipped Trixya. It wasn’t Trixie’s first rodeo with shippers but this time seemed to be worse.

Fans pointed out how Trixie was with Katya when she wasn’t on social media. How happy they both seemed. And lastly how Katya was blushing at the end of the video.

Trixie remembered the episode of Unhhh where Katya said she was afraid of public humiliation because of how white she was because she turned red so easily. Then Trixie remembered that Katya didn’t seem to blush that much, despite saying how easily she turns red. Or maybe Trixie just hadn’t paid much attention.

Hearing the door to the bathroom open and close Trixie pushed herself off the bed with one burning question on the tip of her tongue. Seeing Trixie come walking through Katya smiled.

“If I asked you for your honest answer would you give it to me?”

“I’ve been telling you for so long, I’d give  _it_  to you if you asked,” Katya wiggles her eyebrows up and down with a mischievous grin.

“I hate you”

“No you don’t”

“Maybe I should”

Katya scooted over on the couch and patted the space next to her for Trixie to sit down. “Fire away, Tracy.”

“Are you in love with me?” Trixie rushed out. Katya’s smile dropped as her face went blank. Trixie instantly regretted her haste with the question. Maybe she should have gradually built up to it. Katya cleared her throats as she sat upright.

“Um, well I guess you could say that.” Trixie nodded registering what Katya had just said. Katya was in love with her, somewhat.

“Am I the one you are afraid to lose,” Katya looked slightly confused. “You said on the phone to Adore a few days ago about being scared to lose someone. Is it me?”

Katya nodded slowly and Trixie noticed she was avoiding eye contact and fidgeting with her hands. Trixie reached a hand out to still Katya’s hands. She used the other to bring her eyes back up to her. “I’m not going anywhere, anytime soon.”


End file.
